'via Blog this'
I’ve been going over this in my mind again and again, have been thinking about how to write this for ages. I wish I knew where to start, wish I could be clinically like I can with most other things in my life. My life is shit; I am tired of how it has been treating me. Maybe I deserve it, they do say you get what you give don’t they; well maybe I deserve this crap?
Maybe I have asked for this, turning myself into something I am not; then expecting life to treat me better. Perhaps I am being punished for how I treated people in my past, lord only knows I have not always been as nice as I could have been! There was Phil, who I hurt because I was not able to handle my feelings for someone else and his inexperienced ways. And I know I hurt Scott deeply too, god rest his soul ~ how I miss that man, biggest regret of my life!
I could have been nicer, better and kinder; I am sure. But putting aside all that, I am not a bad person. I would do anything for anyone, I am kind. And honest, and loyal; and loving. Maybe this is my problem? Maybe life does not like nice people; maybe this is how it is meant to be? Yes part of these things I am feeling is from being turned down, again; but it is more than that. Everything has gotten on top of me of late, if it isn’t my love life; it is my health. If it isn’t family problems, it is political problems… it all has this nasty habit of fucking up my life, and making me wish I had an end to it all. And the sad thing is, I don’t know if I could change much of it even if I tried. I mean how on earth will I ever be able to compete with those girls you see on Geordie Shore or in TOWIE? And let’s be honest, when you look like them girls; girls like me (fat, ugly and stupid ones) will never ever get a look in.
I knew long before most other people I would never be worth much when it came to looks and love etc. I am great, believe me I think/know that I am; but I will never be good enough for some Greek Adonis ~ that just isn’t how things work for me or my life, and that’s not putting myself down; it is just me being honest and realistic! No matter how great my personality, without lots of money; I shall never look like them girls guys go wild for. I know not all men go for that, but the only thing I make is a great friend… that or a good fuck ~ and now that part of my life is over; there does not seem much open to me anymore! Now I know you will all think I am just on a downer and exaggerating, but I have lived with myself far longer than the majority of you have known me. I know me, I know my life; and I know how it works and will end for me. And believe me when I say, I know that it will not end well for little ol’ me!
Truth is I cannot blame being turned down twice for these feelings, it is more than that; this has been coming for a long time. Far too much is wrong, and far too many people think they are helping and know best… I hate feeling the way I do, I hate being alone; I hate my depression and the lack of confidence that plagues me so much. Even when I try to be brave & approach people, I get it wrong; it has never worked out ~ I am never enough and always get the “I’m not interested” line! Well, either that or the “let’s fuck & nothing else” kinda guys! Both depress me even more than being alone does, it is always the same old story ~ and let me tell you; none of that bodes well for me and my future! Yes, it is true; my lot is certainly not a happy one ~ which is why I feel like the only way forward is if I close my heart to everything and everyone… maybe the best way is to hate all; that way I can know what to expect right?
Let’s face it, there are far too many examples of the shit I have had to deal with; hell I could write a book about it all ~ now there’s an idea! Not sure all my “ex’s” (and I use that term loosely, there have not been many of them have there now?) could deal with being part of a book; maybe it has something to do with a guilty conscious? Not all have been that bad; just that none have really bothered to stick around and see the real me… Truth is, I know that I give out the wrong impression; I know I do not always help myself ~ but let’s be honest here, you guys are all the same anyway; so what’s the point really? You all think with your dicks, that is all you want from any girl; it fuels you and all that you do. So when that is the last thing you want, or can do; it clearly leaves a huge problem to deal with doesn’t it? I mean, what else are you guys going to see in me? Because you sure as hell don’t see my kind, caring nature; or my loving and loyal personality do you?
All you see is the flirty, bubbly girl you want to fuck and forget; or the best friend you can share you deepest, darkest secrets to and never think any more about... I am not your potential girlfriend, or a possible wife; I am there for you to use and abuse ~ that is all I shall ever be! And you know the worse thing about all of that? I am stupid enough to allow you to do that to me, I let you treat me like this! Even when I try to change the way you guys think, you still see me as a nothing or no one kinda girl. Take the two single guys I have tried to get to know, I have things in common with both. I am not after their money or position in life; I just simply wanted to get to know both better… no strings or promises, just to see how I got on with them. I am fed up of a million and one “do-gooders” telling me that “I’ll be okay;” and “I’ll meet someone…” Trust me on this one, I won’t; and it will not happen ~ ever! Deal with it, because that’s what I am having to do!!
As much as I know the majority of my friends, care about me and have my best interests at heart; but please believe me when I say that I know what I am talking about. No I am not going to be okay, no I am not going to find someone; this is my reality and how my life will end. And it isn’t about having faith or belief in myself, it isn’t about putting myself down either; it is purely me being totally honest ~ which no one seems to be able to handle. Why is that? Why can those friends with my best interests at heart not see it, why do they insist on trying to get me to believe in fairytale fantasies? I know it may look like I am being negative, but I am not; just being honest. I’m sorry if you don’t like it, and I am sorry if you think I should be more positive about myself and life; but it will just not work out for me that way… and before you start to give me examples of “happy endings,” allow me to give you my own examples.
It is only ever drunk men, married men or men with “issues.” All they ever want is to fuck me, and the sad fact of the matter is that I allowed them to use me and take what they wanted to take. I thought by giving them what they wanted, they would love me and stay. Sex has never been big on my list of priorities, never interested me or been something I longed for; it was always “you” guys I wanted to please ~ thinking this is what would make you want me and stay. The countless number of guys who want to spend time with me when I am giving it out, who then cannot wait to marry someone else… the guys who want to share their secrets with me but would rather spend their lives with anyone else, and don’t even start me on about married men! Yes I know I have not helped myself, yes I know I could have been stronger; that is my fault… and I am the one that will have to answer for my actions!
So trust me people, I know my life; and how it is going to turn out. In light of all this, I have decided to close my heart up and throw it away. No long will I need it, no longer will I ever try to find the confidence to make the first move; no more Miss nice girl ~ me and love are over, I am leaving you; and no coming back… I am a woman, and I quit this crazy little thing called love!
Because it's damn true!!!